Therapy for Cloud and Sephy
by Scitzo and Psyco
Summary: Cloud needs help. So does Sephiroth. Only problem is they go to the same doctor. And what's this? Couple's Counsling? R&R please.UPDATED! Last chapter office Warfare.
1. Prelude to Terror

Therapy for Cloud (and Sephy) By, Scitzo and Psyco  
  
Disclaimer: Psyco: Doctor...in my dream the men chase me...with briefcases...and documents...that say I do not own Final Fantasy VII...OR Sephy-chan...Doctor. Can you help me? Doctor: I'm afraid not, Psyco. You don't own any of it. Not even Cloud. Psyco: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Prologue  
  
Purely and totally evil. Cloud's so called "friends" were evvvviiiiiiillllllll. That's what he decided. Evil. Wicked. Malevolent. Malicious. Criminal. Immoral. He was standing in front of St. Goulyyard's Hospital for the Criminally and Perpetually Insane. Because his supposed "friends" told him to get "treatment" for his supposed "problems." Like he had "problems" just because Aeris ...was...sniffle...dead... Cloud burst into a hysterical fit of weeping, wailing and tearflow.  
  
Meanwhile in his Doctor's office  
  
She had a big...shiny...smile... Sephiroth would have liked her except she had this big...shiny...increasingly annoying...smile!!!!! She was very beautiful with soft shiny blond hair (not Chocobo yellow like...Clouds!!!) with reeeaaalllyyy big bright blue eyes. But that smile. shudder It looked like it belonged to an evil Barbie®. shudder again She was insaine. Sephiroth smiled. An insane doctor. He could work with that. In the middle of their session he burst out into evil maniacal laughter.  
  
"Good. Sephiroth. You're expressing your emotions without anger or malice! That's what I call progress!" his doctor said with her smile still plastered on her face. 


	2. Sephiroth likes this one That's scary

Therapy for Cloud (and Sephy)  
  
Disclaimer: Psyco: I already did one. I don't own anyone. Scitzo: Neither do I. So just...let it go Psy. Psyco: NO! I WON'T stop until I own it ALL! (Gets taken to St. Goulyyard's)  
  
.................................  
  
Cloud's Session- 10:00am Every Second Thursday and Monday:  
  
Cloud sat on the pink oblong couch wondering, 'Why the heck is this couch PINK?!'  
  
His doctor smiled and said, "If you have a thought, set it free you ought."  
  
"...Did you just rhyme, Dr. Dement?"  
  
"Of course I did. I want to make you feel better."  
  
"Why's this couch pink?"  
  
"Well it much better then that horrid maroon color isn't it? Besides Bubblegum-Cotton-Candy-Pink is my ultimate most top favorite color."  
  
"Oooookay? Are you going to help me with my problem or not?"  
  
"What exactly is your problem Cloud Strife? Start from the very beginning."  
  
"I was born on a cold, dark, rainy night......."-----30 minutes later----- "......Then that manipulative, little, pretty boy, Sephiroth, impaled her! Huhuwahhaahaaaaaa!" he gurgled causing tears to flow into his mouth and make him sputter and choke.  
  
Dr. Dement patted Cloud on the back with one hand, saying, "There, there Cloud. It'll get better. Remember this when you're sad and depressed. You'll die a horrible, gruesome death, just like Aeris as well one day!" she said smiling supportively.  
  
Cloud looked at her and thought, 'Right... Thanks doc... That helped soooo much...'  
  
Bzzzzzz  
  
"Whoops! Times up Mr. Strife. Wow! What an awful name to be so sad and depressed and be named Strife. Next Monday please come at 11:00 because I've got a special session for you."  
  
"...right...whatever you say Dr. Dement..."  
  
.................................  
  
Sephiroth's Session: (Number 68) 11:00am every second Thursday and Monday  
  
Sephiroth passes back and forth and begins to talk, "Dr. Dement, I am sure you are a reasonably intelligent human so I will stand you presence at this time. One day I shall be a god. If you wish you may be a high priestess who swears herself off joy and love of any man, except me of course. Of course all my enemies will fall at my hand and my beloved Masamune, especially Cloud Strife. His head will roll after I torture and stab to death all who he loves. Cloud. That despicable Chocobo brained, imbecile! Did you know his head is shaped like one of those idiot birds?"  
  
Dr. Dement smile widened and she said cheerfully, "This is wonderful. Your other doctors said you made absolutely no progress, whatsoever and here you are discussing your future goals. But you can't break the law, of course, and the law says you can't kill people."  
  
"Why not? Mom said I could."  
  
"Who is this 'Mom'?"  
  
"Jenova...she's wonderful."  
  
Dr. Dement is silent for a moment then says with an even bigger smile, "Why that is a lovely name. If I had a child I'd call it that. But nevertheless your mom, this Jenova, was mistaken. Taking other peoples lives, no matter how much they deserve it, is wrong. That's what you hire mercenaries for."  
  
'This doctor is nuts...I like it.' Once again pails of evil laughter ring from Sephiroth's throat, his face contorted with pure mirth and glee.  
  
Bzzzzzzzzz  
  
"Time's up Sephiroth."  
  
He looks upset. "Already? I was just beginning to enjoy myself."  
  
"Next week you will be in a special couples counseling session with a special friend. So don't be late."  
  
White coated men come in and give Sephiroth a shot of sedative as he says, "Bye Dr. Dement!"  
  
End 1st chapter. (Review or face the wrath of my sea monkey ninja legion of assassins!! Thank you and have a good day. Beeeeep.) 


	3. The meeting and the almighty couch

Disclaimer: the only thing that I own in the story is the demented doctor, Dr. Dement! On with the story! (Psyco is STILL chasing the Renegade Cherry Flavored Clown with butcher knife, sword, and chocolate sauce.) On with the story!!!!

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Special Couples Council: Monday at 11:00.  
  
Cloud and Sephiroth enter the room and sit down on the putrid pink couch and say, "So, where's this 'special friend?'" They look at each other.....  
  
"KKKKKKYYYYYYYAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" They both scream as they recognize each other and slide away to opposite ends of the couch while Cloud went too far and fell off.  
  
"Hey, Strife," said Sephiroth, "you DO know there's an end to the end of the couch, right?"  
  
"Shut up you #&%hole!" said Cloud, climbing back on the couch, but before he could properly sit on the couch, Sephiroth grabbed it and held it high over his head and proclaimed:  
  
"ALL FEAR THE COUCH'S MIGHT!!!!"  
  
"That's great Sephiroth! You are showing your feeling in a free environment!" said Dr. Dement.  
  
"Right..." said Cloud, "this is helping him HOW?! This is just encouragement!"  
  
"Oh! Almost forgot! Guys," said Dr. Dement beaming that CREEPY Barbie smile. "Meet your special friends, each other!" they stare at each other in utmost disgust.  
  
"I never really liked that couch anyways." Said Cloud.  
  
"WHY NOT?!" Asked Sephiroth, "The couch is almighty!"  
  
"One, it's pink, two, I hate pink, three, pink is a color that should die!" said Cloud, with his temper rising.  
  
"Aeris wore pink, is that why she died?" asked Sephiroth rationally. Cloud starts bawling at the mention of his beloved.  
  
"Yes Cloud! Tell of your err...strife about this Aeris." said Dr. Dement excitedly at the thought of a breakthrough in this case.  
  
"THAT BASTARD HOLDING THAT STUPID COUCH KILLED HER FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON!!!!" Screamed Cloud.  
  
"Hey," said Sephiroth, "she was in the way!!! Plus, the couch is NOT stupid, it is ALMIGHTY!"  
  
"Sephiroth," said Dr. Dement, "could you please put the couch down so we can move on?"  
  
"Sure!" said Sephiroth happily, "anything for the nice doctor."  
  
"More like the criminally insane." muttered Cloud looking away. "That's it, I can't take it. I'm getting outta here!"  
  
"Cloud!" said Dr. Dement surprised, (Sephiroth was stroking the couch calling it the highest of the almighty gods while secretly plotting its demise and the fall of the almighty couch, because it was in his way of becoming a god.) "Where are you going?!"  
  
Cloud goes to leave, and finds Barret and Yuffie blocking the doorway.  
  
"You are not leaving, ya know that right?" said Barret, "you still need treatment, I can tell."  
  
"How?" said Yuffie, "that's so cool! How can you tell he still needs it?"  
  
"Uhhh...explain later." Said Barret.  
  
"YUFFIE!" yelled Sephiroth who had stopped worshipping the couch, "YOU STOLE MY MATERIA YOU LITTLE BRAT! IT THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY COUCH I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN!!!" With that said, he runs after Yuffie with his Masamune unsheathed, before he could strike her down in the name of the "ALMIGHTY COUCH" he had been shot with sedative tranquilizer by a sniper in a scientist white coat.  
  
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!  
  
"GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!" Screamed Cloud, speeding out the door.  
  
"Next Thursday at 11:00 boys!!!" said Dr. Dement happily.  
  
A/N Please R&R! The funs just beginning!


	4. Sweet Freedom Ruined

Disclaimer: for those who worship the almighty couch, it makes a brief cameo and for those of you who really like Cloud, sorry but he has a little bad luck in this chapter. P.S. Once again I don't own FFVII, St. Goulyyard's Hospital for the Criminally and Perpetually Insane, is completely fictional. (do not try to visit, or send others to visit.)  
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Therapy for Cloud and Sephy.  
  
Thursday 11:00, couple council #2.  
  
"I'm so relieved to see that our staff was able to find you Cloud." said Dr. Dement with a happy sigh, "I was so worried that you would be gone before you were fully treated." Cloud looked to see snipers in every corner with sedative guns and electric tasers ready for action at the smallest attempt to escape.  
  
"Just to let you know," said Cloud, "I'm not the one that's insane, it's that freak right over there." Cloud pointed to Sephiroth, who was leaning back picking at his teeth with a dagger which was immediately taken away by one of the snipers, much to Sephiroth's protests and threats to kill him in the name of the almighty couch.  
  
"See what I mean?" said Cloud to Dr. Dement, "I'm perfectly normal."  
  
"Now THAT'S what I call a man in denial!" said Sephiroth hugging his dagger that he got back from the sniper who was being dragged to the infirmary...in many pieces. "Plus, I've made progress! Ask doc!"  
  
"Sephiroth, you have been making great successes with your treatment," said Dr. Dement, "I think you should come sit down and we can talk more on why you don't like each other." Sephiroth sat down on the couch and looking at Cloud, grabbed a pen and started to write his hand.  
"You two hold tight while I get some ink blot tests for you," said Dr. Dement, "I'll be right back! Play nice!"  
  
"Hey Cloud," said Sephiroth holding out his blindingly white hand, (he never has had a tan in his life.) for Cloud to read. Cloud gave him a look and read it out loud.  
  
"'I'm going to slap you!'?! What does-"  
  
SMACK!!!!!!  
  
"BASTARD, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!!" yelled Cloud holding his face where Sephiroth slapped him.  
  
"Fool! You fell for it!" said Sephiroth laughing manically, "MORON!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" Cloud started to write on his left hand, and showed it to Sephiroth, who stared at it and wondering what he meant by writing 'I'm going to KILL you.' Suddenly he saw the hand disappear and saw Cloud flying at him with his sword headed for his face. Sephiroth bent backward and Cloud WOOSHED over his head and through the wall, landing, dazed in the lawn, where he saw that the gate out of the hospital was open and saw cars whizzing by on the road.  
  
"FREEEEEEDDDDOOOOMMMM!!!!!" yelled Cloud happily. He ran for the road and found Barret and Yuffie blocking the exit, but Cloud would be damned if those freaks who put him in here in the first place were gonna stop him from leaving. He held out his sword to the left and ran toward his friends who jumped out of the way of his blade. He kept running thinking I'm free! Free at last!!! Yay!!!! It was cut short though by a little something called traffic.  
  
Inside the St. Goulyyard's Hospital for the Criminally and Perpetually Insane infirmary room 55.  
Cloud was in a half body cast thinking he was free for only 50 seconds and then this happened, wow did his life suck. His musings were put to an abrupt stop when he heard a voice outside.  
  
"You are a friend who is in counseling with this man?" said a staff member.  
  
"Yes...I feel... (Sniff) so awful about my friend's terrible accident." Said the familiar voice, it was Sephiroth who was acting like he was his friend just to get a good look at his state of uselessness.  
  
"Alright, but do you have any weapons?" asked the member.  
  
"Uhhh..." said Sephiroth hesitantly at first, "Ummm... nooooo..."  
  
"You may enter." said the member.  
  
"(sniff) Thank you very much, you are very kind." said Sephiroth sadly as he entered, when he shut the door, he threw a handkerchief had used to look more mournful. "GOD, I didn't think that guy would be as suspicious I hoped he wouldn't be. Hey there, my oh, badly pained friend!"  
  
"I am NOT your friend, Sephiroth." Said Cloud from his cast.  
  
"I don't want you to be." said Sephiroth sitting on Cloud's broken leg, ("GAAAAAHHHH! GET OFF YOU BIG MOTHER------!!!! IT HURTS!!!!") "If I did, you'd know. In which I don't!"  
  
"Cloud!!! I'm so sorry!!!" said Tifa, who had run in with a get well teddy bear. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Sephiroth sitting on Cloud's broken leg, beaming at her like Dr. Dement traditionally would. "YOU!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON CLOUD!!! GET OFF!!!!"  
  
"Just here to make fun of my co-freak-show." Sephiroth said as he slowly got off Cloud, "I guess I will see YOU Cloud next Monday at 11:00!!! C'ya bird brain."  
  
A/N: R&R I beg of thee!!!


	5. of inkblots and the almighty couch

Disclaimer- Scitzo- "I confess I don't own any ff7 personal. But the Almighty Couch is Mine." Holds up almighty couch while Ninja Monkey Lawyers bow down and start chanting hail the Almighty Pick Couch. Scitzo gets funny look on face and yells. "I finally have power over them with the almighty couch that I own. YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Couples Counseling 3: 11:00 am Monday  
  
Doors and windows of St. Goulyyard's have been locked and plated with electrified metal. So that they may continue with their session without interruptions or freak car accidents. Clouds full body cast has been removed and replaced with a leg splint and bandages for his ribs which are still broken.  
  
"We'll start with some ink blots today." Said Dr. Dement looking at Sephiroth with very freaky, very white smile. "Tell me what you see."  
  
"NEEDLES!" Screams Sephiroth, "SAVE ME ALMIGHTY COUCH!" Runs behind couch ducking in fear.  
  
"I see Aeris laying on a bed of roses." Said Cloud fighting back tears and losing.  
  
"It is not a bed of roes it is the almighty couch." Sephiroth yells rising from behind the couch. Then quickly ducks again terrified of the needles he saw in the ink blot. Scared that the needles were coming at him.  
  
"Okay. Lets move on." Dr. Dement says through a twisted smile. "What do you see in this one?"  
  
Cloud smiles and says "I see me and Aeris on our wedding day. She is wearing an off white dress holding a bouquet of daises. There are millions of people there and Sephiroth is on a torture rack zillions of miles away screaming in agony while I slash the pink couch to tiny bits."  
  
Sephiroth lays on couch protecting it from the needles and Cloud. With evil eyes looking back and forth at a fast pace. Stroking couch saying "My precious, MY Precious, MY PRECIOUS. TOUCH IT AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Cloud that is not very nice considering Sephiroth is right next to you. You should be happy that he is relaxed on the couch." Dr. Dement said also worried about the welfare of her precious pink couch. "What do you see Sephiroth?"  
  
"Cotton candy, and what's better is I'm sharing it with the ALMIGHTY COUCH."  
  
"If you love that couch so much why don't you marry it?" Cloud asked.  
  
"One it's a man. Two same sex marriages are only aloud in Massachusetts. And three it is the Almighty Couch."  
  
"Okay one I think that it is Ohio. Two it's pink which makes it a girl."  
  
"It is a man."  
  
Dr. sits back with bag of popcorn and enjoys the festivities. While other members of St. Goulyyard's gather outside the door to listen in.  
  
"How do you know? Does _**SHE**_ speak to you though some divine miracle?" Cloud asks wondering when the scientists with the sedative are going to arrive to shut Sephiroth up.  
  
"HE speaks to me and not you because I am going to be a god and you are a puny mortal." Sephiroth goes into thought wishing he could have been their to see the rise of the almighty couch. He figured that way he could have better planed its fall. He was also wondering way didn't that semi-truck kill Cloud and if he poked at Clouds ribs if it would hurt.  
  
And so we end another Counseling session with a 30 minute. debate on the gender of the couch which has yet to be decided. And a long painful yell of OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID SON OF A... BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Cloud was introduced to the new tazer gun while still debating on the Almighty couch's gender.

A/N: please review


	6. the epic battle! And a flying monkey!

Disclaimer: (in monotone) Once again I own nothing related to FF7.

Eerie shadow that looks like it has wings, a tail, and seems to be carrying a briefcase sneaks up on Scitzo and Scitzo panics) I told them I don't own it! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Couples Counseling 4: 11:00 am Thursday

We begin another session at St. Goulyyard's. Cloud has moved to the safety of a nearby chair to protect his still healing ribs. Leaving Sephiroth to worship the Almighty Couch by himself, much Dr. Dement's disappointment changing her creepy Barbie smile in to a creepy Barbie frown.

"Okay" Dr. Dement said rather sadly. "I'm running out of ideas on how to help you two resolve your problem. I've noticed that you two seem to like to settle your problems physically. So that is what we are going to do today!"

"I'll be right back with your weapons, I shouldn't have to say this, BUT play nice"

"FINALY!" Yelled Cloud then muttering under his breath "If she is going to give me my sword back I can kill Sephiroth and make it look like an accident......heh heh."

"Oh, don't worry Almighty Couch I won't let it get too violent for you." Said Sephiroth who was to busy trying to comfort the couch to notice Cloud's evil eyes and crazy laughter.

(Five minutes later)

"I'M BACK!" Dr. Dement called happily, carrying two of the strangest things Sephiroth had ever seen.

"FINALLY!" Yelled Cloud "I CAN NOW EXTRACT MY REVENGE AGAINST SEPHIR---- WHAT THE HELL! I THOUGHT WE GOING TO DO THIS WITH SWORDS NOT FOAM-RUBBER BATS!" Yelled Cloud enraged. He looked to Dr. Dement to see her holding only one bat. He started to wonder where she could've put the other bat until........

(SMACK)

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Yelled Cloud

"That, was to show you that with these bats you couldn't kill me even if you wanted to." Said Sephiroth

"What makes you so sure that I don't want to kill you, Sephiroth?" Asked a very pissed Cloud.

"Because the Almighty Couch says.....that you are an idiot, and quite honestly I agree with him." Said Sephiroth

"WHY YOU!" yelled Cloud

"Oh Boys! Remember today you get to express your differences physically." Said Dr. Dement

"Alright then, prepare yourself Sephiroth!" said Cloud taking bat in hand

"Let's do this!" said Sephiroth taking the other bat

(Final Fantasy 7 battle music plays)  
  
5 minutes later....

(THUD) "You....cheated" gasped Sephiroth

"I WON!!! NOW I WILL SLASH THAT STUPID COUCH TO RIBBONS!" yelled Cloud

"HOLD IT!!!" Said Flying Monkey Lawyer named Frank, "Cloud Strife, I have come to give you a restraining order against the Almighty Couch."

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Said a very confused Cloud "SINCE WHEN DID COUCHES HAVE LAWYERS?! SINCE WHEN WHERE MONKEYS LAWYERS?! SINCE WHEN DID MONKEYS FLY AND TALK?!NNNNOOOO!!!!!!

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A/N: sorry about the wait I had summer homework. With this chapter I decided to let Cloud win, which was hard because I am a fan of Sephiroth. For anyone reading this I plan to do more soon. Please I beg your patience


	7. happy pills

Disclaimer: once again I do not own ff7.

Couples Counseling 5: Monday 11:00 A.M

Session 5 at St. Goulyyard's hospital begins with Cloud looking more pissed than ever. Sephiroth is sad because the couch told him that it needed some time alone after being threatened with a bat. And a cop has joined them to make sure that Cloud stays at least 5 feet away from the couch at all times.

Well, I must say you two are quite possibly the hardest case I've ever had to treat," said Dr. Dement shaking her head sadly "I'm running ideas that you guys would like."

"Hey! Whoever said I liked your ideas anyway," said Cloud "One of your brilliant ideas got me hit by a semi-truck!"

"Wait a minute! If you are running out of ideas. Does that mean I can go home and never see Sephiroth or that stupid couch ever again?!" asked Cloud hopefully.

"No. It means that you'll have to start spending the night here." Said Dr. Dement

"Anyway today we are going to try medical intervention you're going to try a new medication called Happy Pills." Said Dr. Dement

"Have they been tested?" asked Cloud

"Yes, they were tested on Sephiroth. So! You have nothing to worry about" said Dr. Dement

"Right...." Said Cloud, "And I should believe you WHY?

"Hey! Don't be so mean to the nice doctor! She's only trying to help us." said Sephiroth "And besides the Happy Pills don't do much anyway. They just help you to relax." (Sephiroth takes pill)

"Correction she is here to help YOU! She is here to torture me!" yelled Cloud, "And if anything goes wrong with these pills I'm going to blame you." (Cloud takes pill)

"Don't you always?" asked Sephiroth

"Oh! Cloud I probably should've told you earlier these pills can make you hallucinate." Said Dr. Dement

Cloud chokes trying to spit out the pill but it is too late.

Five minutes later...

"Hey, who invited the pink and blue raccoon?" asked Cloud, eyes fuzzy.

"I don't know I don't see anything." Said Sephiroth who has been taking Happy Pills so long they no longer affect him.

"How can you not see it if you're sitting on it?" asked Cloud

"THE ALMIGHTY COUCH IS NOT A PINK AND BLUE RACOON!!" yelled Sephiroth.

Cloud's eyes wander around the room, and come to rest on his sword in the corner.

"AERIS!!!!!!!" yelled Cloud stumbling across the room and cradling the sword.

"Um... Strife?" asked Sephiroth confused, "I killed Aeris remember? That is your sword."

"NO! IT'S NOT!" Yelled Cloud at Sephiroth hugging the sword closer to his chest, and the looking down at the sword with fuzzy eyes, "You're not dead are you Aeris?.... No you're not."

"Whatever floats your boat Strife." Sighed Sephiroth

Cloud all of the sudden runs out of the room because someone left the door to the hallway open.

"Um...Dr. Dement where is he going?" asked Sephiroth more confused than ever.

"Don't worry Sephiroth if he's doing anything bad, one of the other doctors will catch him. Besides Santa is always watching." Said Dr. Dement

"Santa....right" Said Sephiroth

Fifteen minutes later Cloud comes in escorted by two men in white lab coats, holding his sword in the most loving way possible, wearing a pink Tutu. Sephiroth is trying to hold back fits of laughter and losing.

Just then "The Sleeping Beauty Waltz" starts playing slightly muffed because it is coming though the wall.

"Dr. Dement where is that music coming from?" asked Sephiroth

"Oh! That would the anger management class next door led by Dr. Pain." Said Dr. Dement

"Hmm....Music Aeris and I should dance." Said Cloud as he starts waltzing with the sword.

"OH MY GOD PLEASE SAVE ME ALMIGHTY COUCH!!" said Sephiroth horrified look on his face.

Dr. Dement walks down the hall to Dr. Pain's room...

"Dr. Pain! Come see! One of my patients has had a breakthrough!" said Dr. Dement excitedly.

"Sure, I'll be there in a minute. Said Dr. Pain who had a voice that could be mistaken for a girls, "You don't mind if I bring the boys do you?" he asked.

"Not at all!" Dr. Dement said happily "And please bring the CD player. Come on boys!'

"YEAH!! WE GET TO LEAVE THE ROOM!" Yelled the bikers excitedly. "LET'S GO!!"

They walk in when cloud is getting to the most dramatic part of the waltz. Sephiroth is rocking back and forth saying that he has been traumatized. Just then Cloud Finishes the waltz as the affects of the medication wear off.

"BRAVO! BRAVO! ENCORE! ENCORE!" Yelled the bikers who were in tears.

"UGHHH WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING!" Yelled Cloud "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT AM I DOING IN A TUTU! SEPHIROTH! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

A/N: I am so sorry! School is evil and must die. My updating pace will be slow. I'm sorry I beg your patience. Please let me know if you think I should move on to drastic measures. And remember review keep me going. Please review.


	8. GI Couch

Chapter 8- G.I. Couch

A/N: Sorry about the Cloud abuse but abuse makes him cuter! Psycho: "I...HAVE...REATURNED!" Scitzo: "Oh God. I thought you left for good on a Cherry Flavored Clown Hunt!" Psycho: "I got 'em all. The ones in Italy were especially tasty." Scitzo: "Away Cannibal!" Psycho: "Clowns aren't people."

No offence To the U.S. Army for this chapter.

God Bless America! ...and the North Pole too!

Session Six: Couples counseling, Thursday 11:00 A.M, in the waiting room.

"Doctor Dement? Do we get more happy pills today?" Sephiroth's eyes gleamed 'innocently'.

"NO! No more happy pills! No more happy pills!" cloud shouted huddled in the waiting room couch as a Chocobo ball.

Dr. Dement ushered the two ex-soldiers into the therapy room and for the first time in a week Sephiroth stopped smiling. In the place of The Almighty Pink Couch there was a couch with Military Camouflage on it.

"NOOOO!!!!!! What happened to the Lord Almighty Pink Couch!!??" Furious at the couch imposter he pulled out Masamune and leapt at the overly green couch. A second before the couch was sliced in half Sephiroth was zapped with a cattle prod.

"Sorry Mr. Sephiroth. This couch is part of an International Couch Exchange Program. The pink couch is in Iraq right now allowing soldiers to rest their tired bottoms on it." Dr. Dement said.

Sephiroth hugged his knees and rocked back and forth on the groung chanting, "Almighty Pink Couch is gone. Almighty Pink Couch is gone. Almighty Pink Couch is gone. Almighty Pink Couch is gone."

"There's a couch exchange program? The world is now crazier then Sephiroth!" Cloud stated out loud, "Not to mention that it is better. I like it."

"You INFIDALE! The Green Couch is EVIL!!! Only the Almighty Pink Couch shall prevail over all other couches, as I will rule over all other people." Sephiroth snarled.

"It's color is easier on the eyes. She's much better looking than that disgusting old pink sofa!"

"He's a COUCH not a SOFA!"

"Well Jane is a sofa, which is a much better name than Almighty Pink Couch. Your couch doesn't even have a real name!"

"My couch is a GOD it is to Holy to have a mortal title!"

"Jane the Sofa is still better."

Sephiroth looked at Cloud with somber eyes. "I can't believe you listen to that infidel sofa and not The Almighty Pink Couch."

Cloud froze, and covered his mouth with his hand. ::Uh oh. Insanity's contagious::

A UPS Postal Service worker walked up to Dr. Dement and handed her an official looking letter postmarked from Iraq.

"Letter from Iraq!"

Dr. Dement took the letter and read it to the silent Sephiroth.

"To Whom It May Concern:

We are pleased to inform you that your Pink Couch is to be sent home early in full military honors. It fell from the airplane and landed on Iraqi Terrorists. It has been awarded with Full Merit Military Honors and a purple heart because it was wounded in the battle.

Respectfully Yours,

General Zack Buster"

"This means that the Camouflage sofa has to leave."

Cloud began to tear up, "But I like it."

Sephiroth smiled, "Good riddance to the insolent sofa."

Two postal workers carried the couch away as Cloud called out, "Farewell, Jane! I'll never forget you!"

To be continued...

A/N: Scitzo: "Sorry for the wait. Writing 101 is EVIL!"

Sephiroth: "Not as evil as that insolent sofa."

Schizo: "Because my happy pill has run out for the time being Psyco will be writing the next few chapters."

Psycho: "Yay! Bring out the cheese to decorate the Celebration Life-Size Vincent Valentine Doll!"


	9. demon TV

Chapter Nine: Demon TV

A/N: Psycho: "Ohhh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, That is what I really want to be, cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, everybody would be in love with me."

Vince: "I actually dislike hot dogs."

Psycho TT: "Waaaah! You must love me! I promise I will never attempt to eat Cloud ever again!"

Vince(sweatdrop): "You've attempted to eat Cloud?"

Psycho: "It was an accident! He was dressed like a Clown."  
We do not own anything from FFVII.

Session Eight: Monday 10:30 AM

Cloud opened the door to the Therapy Room and scowled when he saw the pink couch. It was rattled with bullet holes, had a purple heart pinned to it and an American flag, that clashed horribly with the couch, was stitched to the backrest. Sephiroth was sitting on it, stroking the armrest gently.

Where Dr. Dement usually sat a TV was. It switched on when Cloud sat down and cheery music began to play. "When you are sad, when you are mad, who is still your friend? Loonie! Loonie! When it is raining, when it is snowing, come with us and join Loonie! Loonie!"

A woman who looked exactly like Dr. Dement but with brown hair and green eyes danced ballet style onto screen surrounded by dancing puppet rabbits and ducks. "Hey Kids! Welcome to Loonie's World! Today my special, special guest is Sir Vincent, The Sad. Say hello to Sir Vincent!"

A crowd of kiddies voices shouted, "Yay, Sir Vincent!"

Cloud rose an eyebrow. Then burst out laughing, "This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"

The TV then glowed and a big ray of electricity attacked Cloud. On screen 'Loonie' and the children on the show looked at him evilly.

"Don't make fun!" the children growled.

Cloud gulped and nodded weakly as Sephiroth snickered.

"Now you two." Loonie explained, "My sister is sick so I will be helping out today. We will be learning how to express… JOY! Sir Vincent is very sad so you the viewers have the job to help us cheer him up!"

"Oh joy." Cloud muttered.

"Exactly" Loonie grinned, "Lets start with the Happy Song! If you're Happy and you know it clap your hands!" The kids and Sephiroth clapped enthusiastically. Then seeing Cloud not participating the TV once more glowed and a big ray of electricity again electrocuted him.

"Be HAPPY!!!" Loonie shouted angrily, "We start again. If you're Happy and you know it clap your hands!" Everyone clapped, Except Vincent, ". If you're Happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands."

Cloud's face was contorted in pain. Why? What did he ever do to deserve this!? "This is stupid."

Tzzap.

Cloud's hair had an electric current running through it now. "…Owchie…"

Sephiroth laughed and Loonie smiled, "See, Cloud? Sephiroth knows how to express joy. You can learn to with Sir Vincent."

"I-Don't-Want-To-Be-HAPPY!!" Cloud yelled, with sparks of electricity fizzing around him dramatically.

Tzzap.

"Arra! That's it! Time to die!"

Tzzap. CRUNCH! Cloud smiled and released the Almighty Pink Couch he used to smite the Demon Television.

"Finally." Cloud smiled, with electricity running over his teeth and skin, and sat down next to the door, contented of his victory.

Next: Show n' Tell

Psycho.: "I'm sorry. The 2nd most gorgeous man in the world was running around my mind for a few days. (Sighs Jack Sparrow is tied up and gagged next to Vincent Valentine and Edward Scissorhands who are also bound up. Hottie sandwitch!) Anyways... See ya crazy nuts soon!"


	10. a trip to the zoo

Chapter 10: a trip to the zoo

A/N: RUN AWAY! I'm sooo sorry I haven't been able to update I'm having an operation on the 21st of June my doctors have been keeping me very busy. I think they are related to professor Hojo. For now here is another chapter. I plan to write more when I get back from the hospital maybe my medication induced high will make me write something funny.

P.S. funny are welcome and liked my well 'o idea for this story is running drt

Animal thinking /…/

* * *

Outside Midgar zoo…

"Hey Cloud over here!" yelled Dr. Dement accompanied by Barret, Yuffie, and a slightly annoyed Vincent.

"Hi guys, hey Vincent how did you get stuck inside that T.V. anyway!"

"Don't ask"backing away slowly

"Doctor Dement why are we in front of Midgar zoo?" Asked Cloud. "Did Sephiroth join the zoo?"

"No, no I read in my book Psychiatry for Dummies that sometimes interaction with animals can help patients of hopeless cases. So, you and Sephiroth will be visiting the zoo together! Barret, Yuffie, and Vincent will be coming along to make sure you are safe because you are so badly shocked from the T.V. during our last session."

"Ok…so where is Sephiroth?" asked Cloud confused

"Oh he is over there waiting for us by the entrance." Said Dr. Dement, waving happily towards Sephiroth.

Inside Midgar zoo…

"Oh look there's a gift shop!" exclaimed Yuffie

"Yuffie we're supposed to stay with cloud to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. You can go in the gift shop later!"

"But Barrett …what if they have Materia?" whined Yuffie

"LATER!"

"PLEASE!"

"Vincent help me out here" said Barrett exasperated.

"……………………………….."

"PLEASE!"

"Fine! sorry Cloud."

Yuffie drags Barrett and Vincent into the gift shop

"Okay bird brain where do you want to go?" said Sephiroth to Cloud

"I have and idea! Why don't we go visit the baboon?" suggested Dr. Dement cheerfully.

"Okay I guess…" said Cloud feeling insecure about losing his body guards

The baboon exhibit

* * *

"I'm bored already said Sephiroth childishly.

"Um Dr. Dement, why isn't the baboon doing anything?" asked Cloud

/more stupid humans they're looking at me again…do the actually expect me to do something/

Five minutes later…

"C'mon the baboon isn't doing anything except scratching its butt lets go" said Cloud

After they leave the baboon stands up and does the Electric Slide

The Lion exhibit

* * *

/ROARRRR I'M HUNGRY ooohh HUMANS they look tasty/

"This looks a little more interesting!" said Cloud "Look there's a sign: Vicious Man-eating Lion BEWARE!"

"Look at the pretty kitty!" cooed Sephiroth, while trying to scale the fence "I wanna pet it!"

"Sephiroth I don't think this is a good idea." Said Dr. Dement, her eyes wide with concern.

"YOU IDIOT THAT THING IS GOING TO EAT YOU!" Yelled Cloud grabbing on to Sephiroth's long hair. "GET DOWN!"

"HEY! DON'T TOUCH THE HAIR!" Yelled Sephiroth

PA system: Uh Sir… we must ask that you NOT CLIMB on the fences around the exhibits they are there for your protection.

"FINE!" said Sephiroth looking upset about not being able to pet the lion.

The Pink Rabbit exhibit?

* * *

"WHAT THE? Who's ever heard of a pink rabbit?" wondered Cloud

"I think it's cute" said Dr. Dement

"It scares me..." said Sephiroth eyes wide with horror

"How is it that Shin-Ra's great general can be scared by a pink rabbit?" asked Cloud sarcastically yet mildly interested.

"Because" Sephiroth replied in all seriousness "It is a spy for the evil sofa Jane, it wishes to overthrow the Almighty Couch AND it wants to eat my feet."

/MMMMmmm…. Yum feet/

"Okay, so it's a good rabbit then." Said Cloud

"IT IS EVIL AND IT WANTS TO KILL US!" Shouted Sephiroth

"Oh for Pete's sake! The rabbit does not want to kill us!" Said Cloud exasperated

"Hey Strife?"

"WHAT?"

"Who's Pete? I didn't know you were gay." Said Sephiroth surprised

"I AM NOT!"

"Sure you're not." Snickered Sephiroth

"Come on boys, we still have one more exhibit to see" said Dr. Dement

The Chocobo Heard exhibit

* * *

"Hey Sephiroth! Look the sign says this is the largest heard of Chocobo bred in captivity there must a hundred of them!" exclaimed Cloud wide eyed

/Hey look at the blond guy on the other side of the fence maybe he is a long lost cousin of ours, lets say hello to him/

Chocobos: "WARK!"

"What's the matter Strife? Looking for your relatives?" asked Sephiroth sarcastically

"Would you stop!" yelled Cloud

"No, because for the first time today I'm having fun!" said Sephiroth

/hey! That guy is being mean to our cousin! Lets get him/

All at once all one-hundred Chocobos charged the fence and chased Sephiroth all the way around the zoo. By the time the zoo staff got control of the rampaging Chocobos, Sephiroth was back were he started.

"I…HATE….CHOCOBOS." gasped Sephiroth "I…WANT…TO…GO…HOME."

At The Exit…

"Does it feel like we forgot something?" asked Cloud

BOOOOM

"What was that?" asked Cloud

"I don't know" said Sephiroth "But it came from the gift shop."

"Oh my god!" yelled Cloud running to the gift shop.

* * *

Please R&R 


	11. Truth or Dare

Therapy for Cloud (and Sephy)

By, Scitzo and Psyco  
Chapter 11: Truth or Dare

A/N: I don't own ff7 or Donna Summer's _Hot Stuff_, Splenda or Walt Disney's It's a Small World' why anyone would want to own that song is beyond me.

P.S: I know that some of my reviewers are mad about the way I've been treating Cloud (I listen to you I really do!) think of this as Cloud's revenge.

* * *

"Hello." Said Dr. Dement to Cloud and Sephiroth, flashing her creepy Barbie smile. "Sadly Dr. Pain and I have to attend a department meeting today. The good news is that we have decided to combine our sessions, so you two will be sending the next few hours with the bikers from the anger management class."

"Oh joy!" Said Cloud sarcastically

"Now let's see…what should you do today?" said Dr. Dement thinking out loud

"How about truth or dare?" suggested hyperactive biker # 4, who was standing in the doorway of a room adjoining Dr. Dement's room.

"That'll be a great way for you to get to know each other!" said Dr. Dement happily turning to leave. "Oh, and if for some reason an unexplainable supernatural phenomenon does occur Dr. Pain and I will be in the room at the end of the hall. See you in three hours!"

With that Cloud, Sephiroth, and the seven bikers were dumped in the adjoining room. Upon closer inspection Cloud found that the room contained nine beanbag chairs, a water fountain, and much to Sephiroth's delight the Almighty Pink Couch. The room was also connected to a small soundproof bathroom.

"Alright, you girly men!" Boomed biker #1, effectively scarring everyone, and getting angry shouts from Sephiroth about despite the long silver hair he was definitely a man. "If we're gonna be playin' truth or dare, I think we should all agree that nobody can chicken out on a dare."

After fighting over who got to sit in what beanbag chair, Sephiroth claiming the one next to the Almighty Pink Couch as his holy seat, and thinking about this for a minute they all agreed seeing as it would much less fun if someone got cold feet.

"O.K lets get started." Said Sephiroth "I think that since biker # 4 came up with the stupid idea that we play truth or dare, I say he should be asked first. So, truth or dare?"

"Umm… Dare" Said the biker unaware that Sephiroth was now wearing his trademark Insane Maniac Grin.

"Then I dare you," Said Sephiroth calmly "To be locked in the small soundproof bathroom and you have to listen to 'It's a Small World' 50 times strait."

"NO! Please I beg you! Anything but that!" pleaded the biker while being dragged toward the bathroom by bikers # 6 & 7. Cloud went to get the CD player and the Walt Disney CD. Frantic pounding can be heard on the other side of the door for five minutes, and then is replaced with dead silence.

"Uh…Sephiroth….you think that killed him?" Asked Cloud worried

"Don't know, don't care" he replied eager to move on.

"Okay then!" said biker # 7 excitedly "Cloud truth or dare?"

"What the hell! I'll go with dare." Said Cloud thinking that it couldn't get much than being locked in a bathroom, having to listen to kiddy songs.

"Cloud I dare you to wear Chocobo suit for the rest of the session." Said biker # 7 in reply.

"Perhaps it CAN get worse." Said Cloud in resignation he went to change into the suit.

At the time Sephiroth was too busy laughing at the fate of biker # 4 to notice Cloud's return, until...

"AHHHHH! EVIL CHOCOBO! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME!" Shouted Sephiroth while making a mad dash for the door to find it locked. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" A few seconds later the door was unlocked, Sephiroth opened it to find the nice men in white lab coats standing in his way. Faster than even Sephiroth's eyes they injected him with several shots of Valium until he stumbled back into his seat and muttered something about flying rock candy

It was now Clouds turn. He looked at Sephiroth, "Sephiroth truth or dare?"

"Oh, let's see what could a guy dressed up as a bird do to me? I'll go with dare." Said Sephiroth with an evil smirk on his face.

Cloud now determined to get rid of the smirk said, "Then your dare is to give the Horrid Pink couch a lap dance to Donna Summer's _Hot Stuff_."

All the color drained from Sephiroth's face as he realized what he had to do.

"What's the matter? Chicken?" Asked Cloud with a smug grin on his face. Sephiroth, who hating being compared to any sort of bird got up and walked over to the couch. Biker #6 went over to the CD player and put on the song.

Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin'

I need some hot stuff baby tonight

I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'

Gotta have some hot stuff

Gotta have some love tonight

Hot stuff

I need hot stuff

I want some hot stuff

I need hot stuff

Lookin' for a lover who needs another

Don't want another night on my own

Wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover

Wanna bring a wild man back home

Sephiroth danced against the couch moving and rubbing his thighs against the armrest. Then proceeded to lie on the couch and do the worm. Cloud now very regretting the dare shielded his eyes muttering "I have been violated." under his breath.

The song quieted down and Sephiroth got off the almighty couch and proceeded to apologize continually for the next 15 minutes for violating it's majesty and continued to ask if he still held a place in power when the couch takes over the world.

"Forgive me Almighty Pink Couch I didn't mean it! It was Strife's fault" lamented Sephiroth, effectively convincing Cloud and all of the bikers that he was sincere, and further cementing Cloud's thought that he and the insane General DID NOT belong in therapy together

"SHUT UP!" snapped Cloud

"But!" sniffed Sephiroth who looked to be on the verge of tears.

"I don't care!" said Cloud coldly turning to Biker 15.5 "Besides it's time for one of the bikers to have a turn."

"Thanks." Said the biker "Hey Cloud I can't think of anything can you give me a hand?"

Cloud and Biker # 15.5 whispered together before Cloud turned to Sephiroth and said, "Alright Sephy. Truth or Dare?"

"Dare," Sephiroth responded, not looking Cloud in the eye, after the man in the Chocobo outfit used the hated abbreviation of his name and had forced him to violate the Almighty Pink Couch, for which he is still silently repenting.

"I dare you to ask the orderly named Hadis for 2 pounds and 7.5 ounces of Splenda." As the word 'Splenda' escaped Cloud's mouth a lightning bolt crackled outside and the lights flickered omnisciently.

The Bikers gulped, surely even Sephiroth would not do something _that_ crazy or dangerous for that matter. Didn't Cloud _know_ what Splenda did to people?

Sephiroth stood up laughed insanely, to his surprise the door that was locked before was now open, and tackled Hadis as he carted down the hall, "Lowly orderly, I demand 2 pounds and 7.5 ounces of SPLENDA!"

The lights once again, flickered omnisciently. The orderly gasped, but seeing the murderously insane glint in the wannabe God's eye he took out a large yellow sack, "Please be careful, sir. Splenda has been linked to insanity and it takes over the mind if taken in even the tiniest amount."

Sephiroth returned with the crystallized fakeness and ickiness that was the Splenda, dumped it into Clouds arms and said, "I have retrieved the Splenda, which is speaking to me in wise words…yes…when I am GOD! SPLENDA shall be the one who councils me on the _important_ decisions of ruling the cosmos…yes…Splenda is good…very, very good…"

All present in the room stare wild-eyed at Sephiroth unsure of what to do next. Cloud gives the fake sugar to one of the bikers whispering "I don't care if he begs! DO NOT let him get near the Splenda."

"Oookay I guess since Sephiroth did get the Splenda (lights flicker and dramatic music plays) he gets to ask someone now." Said Cloud uncertain that those words were coming from his mouth.

Sephiroth's mood now lighted considerably at the chance to get back at Cloud for making him violate the couch and for suggesting to biker 15.5 that he be the sugar delivery boy. "O.K Strife, truth or dare?"

"Now let me think." Cloud rakes a minute to shift inside the Chocobo suit…"If I say dare, he is going to make me do something stupid and embarrassing, so, Truth."

"I thought you'd say that." Said Sephiroth smiling evilly "Then I have one question for you."

"A question?" repeated Cloud confused

"Yes," Sephiroth said staring at Cloud "Tell us, who do you like better Tifa or Aeris?"

"WHA--! Y—YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE!" exclaimed Cloud both stunned and embarrassed.

"Yeah Cloud !" urged the bikers "We all know you came here because you have emotional problems over Aeris, but we saw the way you looked at Tifa when she came to visit you after you got hit by that semi-truck."

"SEPHIROTH!" Shouted Cloud "YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST MOUTH!"

"Ha Ha Ha." Laughed Sephiroth "Come, come Strife we don't have all day, which one, Tifa or Aeris."

"Ummm…." Stuttered Cloud nervously "Aeris? I think…"

"YOU LIAR!" Yelled Sephiroth accusingly

"Umm… How can I be a liar if I'M NOT EVEN SURE MYSELF!" Asked Cloud angrily

"You're still a liar." Said Sephiroth

"Whatever…" said Cloud

* * *

A/N: This is a really bad cliffhanger. But I have to ready for school. Don't worry the truth or dare and Splenda related madness will continue soon. Suggestions are always welcome especially on what to do with 2 pounds of fake sugar.

See ya soon


	12. The SPLENDA Effect

Therapy for Cloud (and Sephy)

By, Scitzo and Psyco

Chapter 12: The SPLENDA Effect

A/N: I'm back! Did you miss me? I'm really sorry; I know this is REALLLY overdue. I HATE school, I really do! Thanks to those who gave me ideas on what to do with 2 pounds of fake sugar. I own nothing except the Almighty Couch the Army Sofa and the bikers. WARNING there will be randomness in this chapter because of massive amounts of fake sugar consumption. Please R&R! ONWARD

* * *

"Hey, the agreement when we started this was that no one could chicken out on a dare," Cloud said defensively "Nobody said anything about truths. So I don't have to give a definite answer, so there!" Despite Cloud's seemingly logical reasoning everyone could see that he was now sad and miserable. 

"I think wearing that Chocobo suit for so long has finally gone to your head Strife." Sephiroth said grinning smugly, he was happy about seeing the same sad but yet petrified and confused look on cloud's face that he had during his flashbacks at North Crater. Sephiroth was even happier knowing he had put it there.

"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" Came the shouts from the other side of the supposedly soundproof bathroom door. To everyone's surprise biker #4 came crashing though the door, having used the CD player as a makeshift battering ram.

"HE'S ALIVE!" Exclaimed Sephiroth, Cloud, and the bikers. The bikers were overjoyed to see that their friend was unharmed, at least on the surface. Cloud and Sephiroth were just plain shocked.

"I have survived my dare!" proclaimed biker #4 triumphantly; the other bikers realized that their friend was developing a profound eye twitch. "Therefore I do declare!" He shouted pausing for dramatic effect. "That there will be no more Truth or Dare!"

"AWW C'mon man!" complained the bikers. "It was just getting fun! We were going to dare Cloud to take happy pills again and reenact the whole tutu incident."

"Now, now biker #4 DID do what Sephiroth asked him to do so we should honor his request." Said Cloud nervously knowing that he couldn't back out on a dare, and knowing that Sephiroth was never going to let him live the thing with the happy pills down, let alone having to do it again.

"I guess since we aren't playing Truth or Dare any more, Cloud doesn't have to wear the Chocobo suit anymore." Said biker #15.5

"Really? All right!" Said Cloud jumping out of the suit faster than you can say the word Chocobo.

"Now if only he were that motivated in battle…" Sephiroth said sarcastically

"Oh shut up Sephiroth." Cloud said red-faced.

"Hey," said biker #7 "I have an idea! If we can't play Truth or Dare anymore, why don't we test out that myth about Splenda?"

"NO!" Shouted Cloud, his eyes wide with terror at the thought of having to deal with one insane Ex-general and seven bikers all hyper on fake sugar.

"Good Idea!" Agreed Sephiroth and the bikers who started looking for the Splenda that Cloud had hidden.

"Here Cloud! Have some!" said the bikers good naturedly, while rationing it out to themselves and Sephiroth.

"No thank you," said Cloud in decline "I'd rather keep what remaining sanity I have left."

"Suit Yourself, hey guys remember this stuff takes five minutes to kick in" said one of the bikers.

5 minutes latter…

* * *

"YAHOO! It's Christmas time!" Shouted the deranged bikers with glee, while using the remaining Splenda as fake snow. 

"Oh my God" Said biker #4 standing up having set eyes upon the Almighty Pink Couch. He started walking toward it.

Sephiroth was now alarmed seeing the deranged look in the biker's eye. He leapt to his feet assuming a defensive stance in front of the Almighty Pink Couch. Vowing to defend the Almighty Pink Couch's honor against this new threat. Eager to prove himself, and make amends for lap dancing on the couch.

"Stand aside friend, I come in peace, I wish to worship the Almighty Pink Couch." Said the biker solemnly. Sidestepping Sephiroth who was in shock. "Oh Almighty Pink Couch, most Holy of all furniture" He began in prayer kneeling in front of it, "All I ask is that you bestow your blessing on me."

"Finally, someone thinks like I do." Said Sephiroth

"Oh…My…God" said Cloud, "Well at least I'm still sane. Hey when did this armchair get here? I guess it's better than the beanbag chairs, better back support."

"What armchair?..." started Sephiroth, "Terrorist! It a terrorist armchair! Call the army! Call the navy! Call Scarlet! Get the Sister Ray!" Yelled Sephiroth snapping back to his old general self.

"AHHHH!" screamed Cloud jumping out of the armchair, afraid that Sephiroth might ACTUALLY get the massive radioactive makou powered cannon and point it right where he was just sitting.

(A helicopter can be heard in the distance)

"Its more insurgents run for cover!" shouted Sephiroth like it was the Wutai War all over again.

(The helicopter sound gets louder)

"What is that?..." wondered Cloud

"BONSAI!"

(Something crashes through the roof sending bits and pieces of plaster and concrete everywhere)

"GET DOWN!"

When the dust settled it revealed Soldiers from Iraq who were holding the armchair at gunpoint, and Jane the army Sofa, who had been dropped via parachute.

"JANE! You're back!" exclaimed Cloud overjoyed running forward to kiss the arm rests.

"I can't believe it, that sofa saved us from the Terrorist armchair." Said Sephiroth in disbelief.

"SO BE IT" Said Sephiroth in a loud declarative voice drawing his sword, "I do knight thee Jane. From this day forth you shall be called the Mighty Army Sofa!"

"LET'S HEAR IT FOR JANE!"

"HUZZAH!"

* * *

R&R 

Suggestions welcome


	13. Karaoke Dance Party

Therapy for Cloud (and Sephy)

By, Scitzo and Psyco

Chapter 13: Karaoke Dance Party

A/N: Sorry this one took me awhile. If there is anyone out there Please R&R. Um let's see lame excuse…. I was chasing my alter ego Psyco across Europe while she was eating cherry flavored clowns. I own no songs that appear in this fic.

A/N2: this chapter is dedicated to my friend Dr. John Dement who passed away recently. His personality is nothing like the Dr. Dement in this story. I just thought his name was funny.

* * *

When the doctor heard the army-clad couch crash through the ceiling of the mental ward, she and Dr. Pain came running in to see what was wrong.

"Oh my God, what happened here?" said Dr. Dement, staring at the mess of plaster on the floor and the giant hole in the ceiling.

"Oh, you know, the army just dropped the couch from the ceiling to help save us from the evil terrorist armchair," said Sephiroth nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened. Cloud and the bikers stared at him. He had just knighted the Army Sofa, and was acting like they all just had been staring at the walls for the past three hours.

"Well, it's good to know that our military is doing what it can to defend us from militant furnishings," said Dr. Dement, flashing her creepy Barbie smile. "Well since you guys have found the Splenda, we don't have a treatment option for today. I was planning to save this for a rainy day, but since Cloud has already seemed to have wandered in there, I guess we might as well have our karaoke dance party now," Dr. Dement said, smiling happily. "And besides what better way to celebrate the return of a distinguished army veteran than with song!"

During the next five minutes, Sephiroth was orchestrating the movement of the now Mighty Army Sofa to the room across the hall. Meanwhile, Sephiroth and the bikers were wondering how Strife had managed to find his way out of a locked room with only a soundproof bathroom attached to it without any of them noticing.

Sephiroth stopped to ponder this for a few minutes. When music, and corny music at that, like the kind of music mushy love songs are made of. Came floating across Sephiroth's supposedly fractured mental state, effectively snapping him out of his reverie. As if Sephiroth's shock could not get any worse, the general's eyes went wide when he realized that his Chocobo haired nemesis was singing to the corny music…

**L **is for the way you look with me.

**O **is for the only one I see.

**V **is very very extraordinary.

**E **is even more than any couch that I've adored.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Sephiroth shouted, sprinting into the room across the hall, praying to his dear mother that he had, once again, overdosed on happy pills and that his ears were deceiving him.

In spite of his prayers fate it seems was against him…

"OH MY GOD!" Managed Sephiroth, as his worst fears were realized.

"Sephiroth! I swear this isn't what it what it looks like! Uhh it was the bikers! Yeah! They made me do it… and uhh umm the Splenda. You know what that stuff can do a guy right?" stammered Cloud nervously, while turning as red as one of Scarlet's dresses.

"But Cloud you were the only one that didn't eat the Splenda." Said the bikers stupidly.

"Shut up you're blowing my cover!" said Cloud realizing his lie wasn't fooling anyone

Meanwhile Sephiroth found a nice spot on the couch to curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth.

"Cookies."

"What in the world do you want cookies for?" asked Cloud too shocked to believe his ears.

"I have been traumatized and I…need sugar!...and a hug. Cloud will you hug me?"

"NO!"

Sephiroth's eyes got misty, "Pleease?" He pleaded just as Dr. Dement brought out a plate of cookies! With chocolate chip smiles on them.

"YAY!" Sephiroth and the bikers munched them down and as Cloud attempted to snatch one stealthily from the plate. Sephiroth bit his hand and growled. "NO hug. No cookie."

Cloud grumbled and watched as the bikers huddled, whispering things to each other before nodding.

You better run, you better do what you can

Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man

You wanna be tough, better do what you can

So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

Cloud's eye developed a twitch by the first 'beat it.'

"This is wonderful, a breakthrough!" squealed Dr. Dement "They've put aside their anger management issues, to join in joyous song. I think they might be ready to discharge soon."

"HEY, hey" Cloud cut in "I just serenaded the Army Sofa! Doesn't that count for something?"

"Well… Yes." Dr. Dement acknowledged "You seem to have gotten over your emotional depression about Aeris."

"YES! Thank You!' Said Cloud

"_A few more days of this, and I can get to sign one of those papers that says that I'm cured. And I never have to see the pathetic general ever again!_" thought Cloud.

"But you still seem to have some issues with Sephiroth." Dr. Dement added, "So you'll have to stay a little longer."

Sephiroth having caught on to this decided to sing something that would get him away from Chocobo Head permanently. Even if meant sacrificing some dignity.

Pour some sugar on me

(Ooh, in the name of love)

Pour some sugar on me

(C'mon fire me up)

Pour your sugar on me

(Oh, I can't get enough)

I'm hot, sticky sweet

From my head to my feet, yeah

Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light, go!

Crazy little woman in a one man show

Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love

Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up

oh, loosen up

"Sephiroth that was wonderful!" said Dr. Dement "you're making real progress, do you know that?"

"He's really starting to scare me." Said Cloud backing up.

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Sorry if the ending sucks. I'll try to get a new chapter out soon Please Review 


	14. Office Warfare

Therapy for Cloud and Sephy

The Final Chapter: Office Warfare

Sorry this took so long, college is a insert nasty word here ! Please enjoy, if there's still anyone out there that's reading this, please review.

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Cloud backed away and frowned, "This is the last straw." he growled angrily. The Chocobo haired boy walked to the army couch and flipped it on it's back and assumed the trench position behind it. "THIS IS WAR!!" He yelled at Sephiroth.

Sephiroth froze, he suddenly suffered five minutes of shell shock flashbacks, including ninjas, stolen Materia, bad army food, and massive amounts of carnage. After the symptoms passed, the general quickly flipped the almighty pink couch over and shouted loudly after assuming the trench position as well. "FOR MOTHER!!!!" At Sephiroth's cry, the bikers quickly formed a POW camp and decided to be conscientious objectors. As they had formed their camp they created many signs that sported the saying, 'We are Buddhist for we cannot fight!' and held up books that were named, 'Buddhism for Idiots', which was odd due to the mass use of leather for their clothing.

Cloud crawls to the desk and grabs a random office supply drawer and lunges back behind the sofa. Cloud looked up to see Sephiroth grabbing a large bag of some kind, but couldn't see what the contents were. "INCOMING!" Sephiroth cried as Cloud hurled many pink projectiles of doom…also know as…erasers.

Sephiroth displayed his superior pink projectile of doom dodging ability by hiding behind the couch, which sported many unexplainable burn marks. The general quickly poked his silver haired head over the top of the couch he was going to say something when a loud whistle sounded from behind him.

"TEN SECOND FOUL! NO MATERIA USAGE IN THE MENTALLY DISTURBED WARD OF THIS HOSPITAL!!!" Yelled Dr. Pain, holding up an orange cloth.

"Aww! Come on!" Cloud yelled angrily. "He's the general! I'm just a grunt! I should get a handicap!!!"

"Ha! You admit it!" Sephiroth yelled quickly, pointing a gloved, accusing finger at the boy. He contemplated doing a victory dance, but decided it would be best to use the next ten seconds planning his next evil and abominably devious move.

Ten seconds later…

Sephiroth picked up the unmarked sack and hurled it at Cloud, "FROM SHIN RA WITH LOVE CHOCOBO HEAD!!!" he yelled as the sack hit Cloud square in the face, launching the blonde rolling backwards a few yards.

Cloud sat up with a groan, Splenda covered him from head to toe, "What the…" he muttered as he looked in Sephiroth's direction. He was about to say something when he saw a pink rodent sitting on the sofa. "Le gasp! What iz zat ting?! Eet iz a pink raccoon!" Cloud cried, shuffling back on his butt further away from the imaginary mammal.

"…Where did the French accent come from?" Sephiroth took five more seconds to ponder this before ducking behind the couch from more erasers.

After shaking off the French accent, Cloud frowned and muttered angrily, "All right…that's it…if I want to beat that general and evil pink rodent, I will have to use my ultimate secret weapon." he said, a black stapler that seemed to gleam eerily as it was gripped in Cloud's hand. (Note: if this was an anime, this would be the point where you'd see a very large arrow pointing to the stapler with the words, 'Equivalent to atomic bomb' plastered next to it.)

Giving the stapler a good luck kiss, he closed his eyes and lobbed the deadly weapon of doom at the general and evil, imaginary, pink rodent, yelling loudly. "FOR AERIS YOU MURDERING BISHONEN!!!!"

((Unspecified voice)) "IN COMING STAPLER!!!"

(Complete silence…followed by mushroom cloud)

An unspecified amount of time later…

Cloud, Sephiroth, Dr. Dement, Dr. Pain, and the POW/Buddhist bikers were left to lie in a pile of rubble that once was the psychiatric ward. A gentle breeze blew past the group and covered them in dust. Sephiroth and Cloud looked around to assess the damage, as Cloud walked to the, now missing, door; Sephiroth looked at his leather clothes. The general started to dust himself off when he saw bits of couch stuffing and fabric was also strewn everywhere. Looking on his shoulder, Sephiroth picked off a piece of pink fabric and gave a shuddering gasp. "Th-The…ALMIGHTY PINK COUCH!!! AAAAHHH!!!"

Cloud looked over at Sephiroth and blinked, "What are you-" he looked at the pink fabric and laughed. "Hahaha! He deserved it!" He cackled.

Sephiroth look at Cloud and grinned evilly, starting to laugh. Cloud stared at him with wide eyes and started to slowly back away, "Why is he laughing?! He should be crying! Cry dammit!" he yelled. Sephiroth slowly reached up to Cloud's hair and plucked a piece of fabric which had been skewered by one of Cloud's blonde spikes and handed it to the boy.

"There was another." Sephiroth said evilly, handing the fabric to Cloud. The fabric was decorated with army green camouflage. Cloud's jaw seemed to drop in shock as he saw the colors.

"N-No…i-it…can't be…" Cloud stammered. "JANE!!!!!" The poor boy dropped to his knees and raised a fist to the heavens. "FIRST AERIS! NOW THE SOFA!!! WHYYYY?!!!!!!"

Sephiroth stared at him, "And I thought I had problems…" he muttered, his hands on his hips. As the two grieved, a biker walked to the pile of stuffing that once was the couch and the sofa, holding a trumpet. The biker soulfully brought the instrument to his lips and (Note: badly out of tune) started to slowly play a familiar song, also known as 'Taps'.

Sephiroth and Cloud stared at the biker before, in unison, slugging him with their unrestrained fists of fury, yelling loudly. "COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE IN TUNE YOU FLARING, TONE-DEAF MORON!!!"

Sephiroth gave a sigh, and looked at Cloud, "Now that we've totally maimed the hospital, I guess we have to look for a couple new therapists…" he commented.

"Yep." Cloud agreed, his eyes closed as he joined the general in another sigh. "But we're getting separate ones this time…right?"

"Definitely, I never want to see your face or that hair again." Sephiroth agreed.

"Hey! My hair's pretty! Yours is all dull and ugly!" Cloud retorted angrily.

"It is not! It was on the cover of Midgar Runway three weeks in a row! Until I met my mother and went crazy." Sephiroth said, giving his hair a graceful flick with his hand. After a small bout of eye twitching between the two nemeses, Sephiroth then extended his hand to Cloud in what could be considered, by an innocent bystander, as a brotherly handshake…sadly, said bystander doesn't know what the hell he's thinking.

Cloud and Sephiroth, having shared an unteary, goodbye of hatred, walk in opposite directions in hopes of never seeing each other again…until…

Epilogue

"Sephiroth, the doctor will see you now." Sephiroth stood and walked into the room with a content smile on his face. "Finally…therapy with cookies and no Chocobo brain!"

Few seconds later…

"Mr. Strife, the doctor will see you now." Cloud stood up with a happy smile of relief. "Finally…therapy without the psychotic general." He walked into the room and gave a gasp of horror. "YOU!!!" He cried as he saw a familiar glint of silver hair.

"YOU!!!" Sephiroth yelled back, pointing a finger at Cloud, hugging a plate of cookies. "I'M NOT SHARING!!"

"Hello you two! It's so nice we get to be together again!" Cloud and Sephiroth turned and their jaws dropped in horror as they saw the horrid, creepy, Barbie doll smile.

"HERRRRR!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Fin!


End file.
